I Am Not in Control

Shauna Niequist says in her book Cold Tangerines, 
"..most of the time what I believe in instead of prayer is my own patched-together sense of how life ought to work. In my system, people who work hard end up okay. Also, people who are smart and careful and keep the batteries in their smoke alarms up to date will be safe. People who order their toast dry and only smoke on very special occasions will be healthy. And so on. This personal worldview has actually functioned reasonably well. I get my oil changed, I fill out my jury duty questionnaire, and I expect that life will continue to be kind to me, because of my good citizenship and car maintenance, because I am living up to my end of the bargain."

Does this resonate with you? 
Or is it just me?

It grabbed me.

Probably for as long as I can remember, I recall thinking that if I did all the things I was supposed to do...you know getting check ups, exercising, eating relatively healthy, turning my tax forms in on time, making sure my car was running well, etc....I could make sure that everything in my life ran smoothly. And if I chose to be careless in some way and something happened, then I knew it was because I had not done the right thing. This also goes for others as well...that person over there has to foreclose on their home because they just didn't spend their money wisely...and that person over there can't enjoy life because they chose a job with a long commute and long hours...and that other person isn't healthy because they didn't do X,Y and Z...the list goes on. 

With pregnancy I used to occasionally think that when someone had a problem in pregnancy, that perhaps if they had just heated up their deli meats like they were supposed to or maybe if they had known earlier that they were pregnant, they could have avoided drinking that one alcoholic drink... or if this or if that, then their baby would have been healthy and fine. 

I'm learning that through all my pregnancies there were things I could not have avoided if I had tried. 
I couldn't have avoided that Miss A had her hand on her face when she decided to enter the world....thus requiring stitches for me and not being able to just plop down whenever I wanted to for a good 6 weeks. 

With FJ, I've never been told of a way I could have avoided having him arrive 4 weeks early. I was told to go on pelvic rest and I did and he still arrived two days later.

Then with Rosie, the only diagnosis we ever got for her fever and NICU stay was "sepsis". We never knew for sure where her fever came from nor how to avoid it again. 

And obviously with this pregnancy, I've chosen to have early prenatal testing like I did in my last two pregnancies and this time around, there have been concerns and issues and surprises. 
There's nothing I could have done to avoid this baby having an elevated nuchal or fluid around his heart. And there's not much I can do the rest of the pregnancy to make sure other concerns don't arise...you know short of getting wasted, smoking like a chimney, or doing street drugs. 

I've done the things I'm supposed to do: take my prenatal vitamins with Folic acid and DHA, heated my deli meats most of the time when I haven't completely forgotten, exercise, eat a varied diet of fruits, veggies, protein, and whole grains, rest when I need to, I could go on.

The fact is, I am not in control here. I will continue on my healthy path and continue to exercise and rest but in the mean time, I am taking it day by day. 
I am praying. 
I am believing.
I am enjoying and appreciating and reveling in each kick.
Babies with an elevated nuchal are at a higher risk for death while still in the womb. Babies with Trisomy 21 are also at risk for dying in the womb. 
I do not take for granted each day with this baby in my belly. 
And I hope that my situation will not scare anyone away from having more babies if they so desire.
We have no guarantees. We only have today, this moment, this minute with your children and your families. Tomorrow, my baby could be gone. Tomorrow a family member could be gone. 
Did you appreciate and talk to and visit and hug and tell them and show them how much you love them?
I pat my belly where my baby lays. My children pat this baby and talk to him and kiss my belly. They love this baby already.

While laying in bed the other night, E put his hand on my belly and prayed for our baby. My husband isn't big on gushing over little babies and doesn't usually pat my belly as much as my children do during pregnancy so this was meaningful. It meant something to me. After seeing Miss A kiss my belly, he did the same and also knew this was meaningful. It also meant something to me. 

My children don't take this for granted. They know something magical and amazing and miraculous is happening...they don't think that I have any control over it...they know the awesomeness of this moment in time. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 says:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

I cannot continue to stay on this crooked path I am walking on...the one where I lean on my own understanding.

I have to wake each day and acknowledge the Lord and choose to trust in Him. It's not easy...I have to make the choice each day...each moment. Sometimes it might be merely saying out loud "I am not in control. I choose to trust in you God." 
But I have to make the choice.