How Can I Help?

 
 If you have ever had the heartbreaking event of having your baby in the NICU, you have quite possibly heard the question "How can I help?" or "Let me know what I can do!" from someone who cares. 

But you also possibly haven't even known how to quite answer that question. Do you really tell them the kind of help you need? Or do you just smile and say "okay"? Do you even know the help you will need at the moment?

Chances are...you don't and as I've learned the hard way...you really shouldn't be expected to know what you need at that moment.

You are just trying to get back and forth to the NICU to visit your newborn and you may even have other children at home.  

You may have help at home from grandparents, other relatives, friends and neighbors or you may not.

Even if you do have help at home, there are other ways you may still need some assistance. 

After my own difficult experience of having my third child put into the NICU unexpectedly in October of 2011, I have compiled a list of ways others can help you and ways you can help yourself survive and maybe even thrive during this very hard trial.

If you are a parent of a baby in the NICU, read this list. But if you are a friend/family member of someone who has a baby in the NICU, definitely read this list.

1. If someone asks you how they can help and you have no idea, tell them to call your spouse or someone who may be in charge at your home. Choose a person as a point of contact and just send people that person's cell number or your home number. That person may have a laundry list of ideas!

2. Let someone set up a meal list for you through www.takethemameal.com so that you do not have to worry about cooking dinner. For all of those people who have asked how they can help, the link to the list can be sent to them. You could also tell people that gift cards to restaurants would be helpful if you have food allergies or have a more picky food palate.

3. A ride to and from the NICU. If you have a c-section, you are not supposed to drive for weeks and if you have a vaginal birth, sometimes (depending on your ob/midwife or hospital), it will be suggested that you wait to drive also. 

Another reason-it is so helpful to have someone drive you back and forth if you have only one vehicle you can drive. From my own experience, I couldn't drive my husband's standard car, so I had to take the minivan which meant I was taking the only vehicle with all the carseats in it...which also meant that my husband then could not go anywhere with the other children. But we couldn't just take the car seats out and put them in his car either because we may have needed them in the minivan again depending on the day and if we were all going somewhere together.

4. The mother may need several sets of pumping supplies so that she can pump several times a day and then just put it all in the dishwasher each night. One mom mentioned that she wasted so much time hand washing and sterilizing in the microwave because she only had three sets of it. 

5.  Visit. Even though you may not be able to see the new baby. Please offer to visit the parents while they are still in the hospital. It is so difficult to be on the postpartum hall without a baby in your room while hearing other babies crying in adjacent rooms.
 When people don't visit because the baby is in the NICU, the parents might feel like they don't matter. Many people figure that they shouldn't bother the parents and assume that the parents are spending all their time in the NICU. But that is not always the case and it never hurts to ask. If you can't visit them at the hospital, offer to visit them at home. The parents might say they are fine or busy and don't need a visit, but just offering is usually appreciated. Please respect their need for no visitors if that is what they choose.

6. Just hearing from people helps, whether a text/call/email/note card to let them know you are thinking of them, can all be every encouraging.

7. Try not to say things like "your baby is in great hands" and other things related to that.  Those worried parents already know that. They have been told that by the neonatologists, NICU nurses, postpartum nurses, etc. You have good intentions but it won't make them worry much less. It can make them feel like you are minimizing their pain. 

8. Offer to babysit older siblings at your home or if you have children of your own, offer to go over to their house and have a playdate with the older siblings. Those siblings are having a hard time adjusting to a new baby being in the hospital and mommy and daddy leaving the house often throughout the day. My husband was only able to go visit our new baby girl once after we left the hospital. It would have been helpful if someone else had offered to come over to our house to hang out with our kids so we could have both gone and visited our baby girl together. Thankfully I had a dear friend who lived close to the hospital who offered to watch my older two for me twice while she had her own young two children to care for and while newly pregnant with her third. I was able to drive back and forth between her home and the hospital. 

9. Please do not expect parents of a NICU baby to return or make phone calls/text messages/emails quickly while their baby is in the NICU and even when their baby comes home from the NICU. Once they bring their baby home, that is their time to really get to bond with them and take care of any older siblings that have had their world turned upside down. Give them grace and give them TIME...lots of it.

10. If you are the parent of a NICU baby, reach out to calming friends and family and talk about what you are experiencing, don't be afraid to cry on their proverbial shoulder and let them know your fears. Talk, talk, talk about it or write, write, write about it if that's your thing. 
 Let others comfort you and surround yourself with loving people during this time. (Take it from me-toxic people should be moved to the back burner and dealt with at a later time.)

11. If you are a person of faith, have your contact person let your pastor/rabbi/clergyman know that your baby is in the NICU. That person can call or visit and even pray with you and this can bring great comfort during such a stressful time.

12. If the mom and dad have other children at home, those children are probably being watched by one of the parents or a family member/friend. Those children are probably in need of some entertainment that doesn't require the television/iPhone/iPad, etc. Try sending the children something for entertainment or dropping off something at the home. Ideas for younger children are coloring books, boxes of crayons, washable markers, stickers, sticker books and paint with water painting books. If it is summer time, bubbles and sidewalk chalk can be nice ideas. 

13. Send the mom and dad a gift card to a coffee shop/restaurant/store near the hospital. They might be at the NICU during a meal time and this can be helpful for them to use while they are there.

If you are reading this post for ideas, you have a kind and compassionate heart and your loved one is blessed to know you. Thank you! 


*The picture at the top of this post is of my third child in the NICU, October 2011. 

**A special thanks to Ashley T., Christa M., Elizabeth O., and Rachel E. (and anyone else that I may have left off this list) for their input!