A No-Needer

I sometimes waffle back and forth....on allowing myself to be needy and being a "no-needer" as Lisa Whelchel says in her book Frienship for Grownups. (Thanks to my mother in law for that book!) Her description of a no-needer goes deeper than just asking for help but for moms of young children, I am going to focus on that aspect in this post.

This is a little embarrassing to admit: There was a time that I wanted to be congratulated on how much I could handle with a baby in tow. Then it was a toddler and a baby in tow. Then it was a preschooler, a toddler and a baby in tow.

This is very important for you moms out there that are no-needers....let me save you from a mistake that I made: There is no one...and I mean NO ONE handing out a trophy to you at the end of the cash register for bringing all your children with you to the grocery store. There is NO ONE applauding you for taking all of your children to the doctor's office or taking them all to the mall...all. by. yourself.
There's no one there congratulating you for taking care of all of your children all by yourself when you are very sick yourself.
(I realize that generally you (myself included) have to do these things on your own especially if you are a stay at home mom but this is not what I am talking about...stay with me...I'm talking about those times that you could possibly do these things at a better time or with help.)

I mean...there may be a couple of wonderful friends telling you what a good job you did or the random stranger in the grocery store saying "way to go" but generally, if you are looking for kudos for doing it all on your own....it ain't happenin'.

Why am I saying this?
It is certainly not to depress you...it's because there was a time that I wanted to be a no-needer.
I thought that maybe my husband or some stranger would reward me somehow with words so wonderful that I would have somehow felt like I earned a trophy for doing it all on my own.

5 years later...I can tell you that there is no trophy or prize or award. There may be a few kind words every now and then from a stranger or loved one but it is surely not enough to continue on that path of no-neediness.

If you have already figured this out and it didn't take you a few years, pat yourself on the back.

Not long after my third child was born, I needed so much help when she was in the NICU and then when we got the Norovirus when she was one month old, I had to accept help and a lot of it. I even had to (gasp) ask for it!

That asking part was the hardest.

Asking people that weren't my closest friends or asking people that I thought surely might say no. Putting myself out there to be told no was...hard. I didn't want to look too needy.

Lisa Whelchel says though that it's okay to be needy. Yikes. Really? Is it really? I had to mull over that one for a while.
I didn't think it was.
What if my friends said, "That Laura...she's too needy"?
That was risky.

Let me back up and say one caveat: I do like to challenge myself so there are things I will do with all of my children by myself because I enjoy the challenge...don't worry, they are safe things such as taking them to the farm or park. I also realize that many moms just don't have a network of people who can help them and they have no option but to do things by themselves. This post is for the times when moms truly need help with something overwhelming and they do have the network of help available.

So back to the risk. My husband has taught me something so valuable when I've been afraid of asking for help, he tells me, "the worst thing they can say is no."

But I think "Yeah, but that's too risky! I don't want to hear no." I'm afraid there's all kinds of judgement with that answer.
But alas, he's right.
The worst thing they will say is no and thankfully I have wonderful friends who offer to help with something else at a later time which lets me know they haven't written me off and truly want to help.

...And that leads me to learning who is safe. The safe friends to reach out to...that's key.  How do you identify them?
1. Think of friends who have helped you all on their own before without you even asking. You know those friends who go out of their way to help others? Those are the safe ones.
2. Think of friends who have asked you how they can help in the past. Those are usually safe ones too.

Make a list of those friends and keep it handy.

To protect yourself and to help you step out into the world of being okay with being needy, avoid asking people for help who in the past have been resistant to help or who have consistently not followed through with helping.
 Don't set yourself up just to be hurt. Even though there may be people in your life who seem like they are in the perfect position to help, do not put yourself in a position to be hurt if they cannot or simply won't help. This is also very important.

A great way to have friends who can help you out...is to be that kind of friend yourself. It's pretty simple-Be helpful by offering help to your own friends...it may not be always on your mind but when you see a friend in need or read an email in which they are overwhelmed, reach out and help.  

I have friends who are always no-needers and sometimes a few of us have to take initiative and fill a need when we see it with those people.

If you are a no-needer, I want to challenge you on this...accept help and be okay with being needy. Find those safe friends and accept their help and don't be afraid to ask. You and your family will be so much better off with help when you need it than just trying to do it all on your own. When you choose not to accept help or not ask for it when it is greatly needed, not only do you suffer but your family does too.

Being needy isn't just about being helped...it includes asking for prayer and just talking to others.

Last week, when my daughter needed an EEG, I almost did not ask for prayer from a larger group of people. But then I asked myself, "why do I want to limit prayer for my daughter?" The more prayers going up for her, the better.

A very dear best friend put it so well to me when she was grieving the loss of her baby girl during the second trimester last summer.  I apologized for just showing up at her house when I said I was going to come by the next day. She was sitting on her bed, surrounded by her sisters and mother, and through tears she said to me that it didn't bother her at all and...

"I've learned that I need people in my sadness."

The Lord spoke so clearly to me through her in that moment. There was no doubt in my mind. That sealed it for me...I would choose to no longer be a no-needer. I too need people in my sadness and in my broken moments and when I'm overwhelmed and stressed and sick and just plain exhausted.

So please dear friends:
let people help you and don't be afraid to ask for help and don't be afraid to accept it. Don't try to limit what the Lord wants to do in your life and the life of your family.